The Orange Zester Affair
by CatrinaSL
Summary: Silly Words for the Silly Soul(mate fic) series. Darcy has never been crazy about the oh-so-hilarious joke that she sleepwalks. But she's finally had enough when people she doesn't even know start joining in. Thor looked too serious for pleasantries. "Darcy, there has been a misunderstanding." Darcy sighed. "It's a stupid prank. I just... want it to stop. It's not funny anymore."


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Marvel Cinematic Universe, nor do I own an orange zester (buy me one! Or both!)

 **Soulmark AU Reminder:** Everyone has a Soulmark, a tattoo of the first words their Soulmate will say to them. Showing someone else your Soulmark is like baring your soul to them, so most people only show their Soulmate or very trusted friends.

* * *

Steve never expected that he would need to take his Soulmate seriously. That is, until he became Captain America. After that, he figured that HYDRA had no limits and would likely weaponize anything. It was for this reason that he regarded all fruit with suspicion.

* * *

Some people deny the fact that they snore. Darcy would have accepted that kind of thing, but she would never believe the claims of her family and friends that she was a sleepwalker. If she woke up snuggling with a living room lamp, she supposed it was because they were pranking her again, and would laugh along when they told the "fabricated" stories of her midnight wanderings, but never believed they were true.

Three weeks after she moved into Avengers Tower, she woke up with a roll of paper towels tucked under her chin, so she rolled her eyes and told Jane that she thought her little joke was "very funny." Jane was fairly convincing with her innocence, but Darcy knew it was just the old sleepwalking gag again.

Unfortunately, the next time it happened, Jane was away on Asgard with Thor, so Darcy knew that she must have shared. She rolled her eyes and put the video game controller back on the entertainment center.

She had finally had enough the morning that she opened her eyes and found herself clutching an orange zester. She knew that if she asked Clint about it, he would probably laugh so hard he could hardly breathe. Again.

She probably should have pulled a robe on over her oversized night shirt, but she was too steamed. She stormed down the hallway to the kitchen, where a smiling Bruce Banner was chatting with a guy she assumed was Steve Rogers (because of his US ARMY t-shirt).

"Okay, whose stupid idea was this?!" she demanded, waving the orange zester. "I've had enough this time, I'm serious!"

"Darcy," Probably Captain America said in a pacifying tone, "calm down."

Ignoring the fact that she'd never met this guy before, she glared at him and threw the kitchen implement down on the counter. Banner just sat there with that annoyingly calm smile on his face and sipped his coffee.

"Are you in on this, now?" she asked. "It's not funny. Seriously, I'm going to ask JARVIS to start locking my door at night. I don't know you, so stay out of my room, and stay away from me."

She turned and stomped back to her room.

"Darcy, wait, hang on!" he called after her, but the only reply she gave him was the slam of her door.

* * *

There were more people than usual in the common area that evening when she came back from the gym. Jane had insisted she take off early from work so that she could work out some of her frustration from that morning, but she _hadn't_ apologized for starting the stupid sleepwalking prank or for bringing so many people in on it.

Darcy spotted Thor talking to the hero she'd shouted at that morning. He noticed her arrival, and walked over to her. She pulled an earbud out to say hello.

But Thor looked too serious for pleasantries. "Darcy," he began, "there has been a misunderstanding. Is it true that you are angry at your friends for deceiving you in what you understand to be a joke?"

Darcy sighed and glared over at the group by the kitchen table, which consisted of Jane, Clint, Natasha, and Steve.

"It's not a misunderstanding," she told the Asgardian. "It's a stupid prank and I'm sick of it. My siblings used to pull it on me when I was a kid, they told friends of mine in college, and it somehow got to Jane, and she's... passed it to everybody here. I just... want it to stop. It's not funny anymore. I _don't_ sleepwalk."

"Have they not shown you security footage of this as proof in the past?"

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Thor, think about who you're talking about. Secret agents can fake that kind of stuff, no problem."

"Darcy," Thor rebuked her softly. "What if I were to swear to you, upon my honor and upon my hammer—"

"Seriously? On Mew-Mew?" Darcy asked, surprised.

Thor smiled. "Would you then believe us?"

She sighed. "Maybe, but it'd have to be _really_ convincing."

Thor turned and nodded at Natasha, who poked the tablet she was holding, causing a video to pop up on the screen in the common living area. Darcy turned to see it as Natasha put a hand on her arm and gave her a squeeze. She then found a spot in a chair in front of the television, but Darcy stayed put.

The rest of the group wandered over to join them. Clint took a seat on a stool at the kitchen island, and Thor and Jane sat down on the couch in front of Darcy, while Steve took up a position slightly behind her.

Natasha glanced at Darcy, and the video started to play.

The common kitchen was dark, but looked like it had been tossed. Drawers were open, and there was a rustling sound coming from behind the island.

Then the light came on, and Steve Rogers appeared, his hand on the switch. He frowned, and looked around the side of the counter. An orange zester was brandished at him, and Darcy watched herself stand slowly.

"STOP!" she shouted. "You have to put the mango in the dishwasher before it explodes!"

She huffed out a laugh. If this was a fabricated video, they'd done a good job of it.

The Steve on the video grinned and leaned against the counter. "Wow," he said. "I always thought you might be crazy or something, but this explains so much."

Darcy gasped. Those were _her Words_ , the Words on her calf. She turned around and found Steve behind her, with one sleeve pulled up so that she could see his biceps. There was her handwriting, traced across his arm.

"There are two possibilities here," he told her. "Either your friends are playing a trick on you, or you owe them an apology."

She tore her eyes away from him and swept them across the faces of the people she had _known_ were jerks, trying to make her fall for a stupid sleepwalking joke. Most of them were smiling, but it no longer looked mean-spirited, just amused.

"Jane..." she said. "I should have known you'd never pull a lame prank like that."

"It's okay, Darcy."

"She is quite good at that sort of thing, however," Thor put in. "I rather enjoyed the amusing joke with the shaving cream."

"I'm sorry," she told Steve, as she laid a hand over the Words on his arm.

"That's all right," he assured her with a smile. "But because of you I've never trusted fruit much... maybe you should take me out for a mango smoothie."

* * *

After the Orange Zester Affair, kitchen utensils turned up in her bed less and less. Darcy found it was much harder to sleepwalk when there was someone sleeping next to her.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Blog timze located at iwillwriteyourfic DOT blogspot DOT com SLASH 2016 SLASH 05 SLASH silly-words-for-silly-soulmate-fic_42 DOT html, but here's a headcanon on the house: Steve and Darcy go out for smoothies every time after they have a disagreement. Steve buys Darcy citrus-scented shampoo. Darcy buys Steve every new and interesting kind of fruit she can think of.


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